In my last blog post, I wrote about reliving my physical birth during a meditation in Panache Desai’s “Awakening Your Authentic Soul Signature” at Omega. My other “birth” that week occurred during an individual breakthrough session, separate from the rest of the program. At least I thought it was separate, but with Panache, all separation has a tendency to dissolve. This was my second breakthrough session with him (see previous blog post “Infinity” for a description of my first session in Costa Rica). I felt that I still had some blocks that I wanted help with releasing. Well, my mind’s idea of why I was there didn’t align with Panache’s perception of why I was there.
First, I should say that Panache sees people energetically. He sees their infinite potential and sees where there are blocks to that potential. And he pulls no punches in telling you what he sees. After a few minutes of addressing the issue I presented to him, he said, “When are you going to come out to yourself?” My background, which he knows, is that I have been out in the world as a lesbian for many years (35) and have been with my partner for 29 years. I came out within the feminist movement of the 1970s and have marched in the streets for women’s and gay rights in the years since then. So I wasn’t buying this comment from him; I thought, “What does he know about being a lesbian? He’s a straight man.” Still, I remembered that he had more than once said that lesbians and gay men are some of the most courageous people on the planet because they are living their truth. So, my resistance gradually faded, and our hour together became a mutually expansive dialogue and an extraordinary emotional inner journey for me. His perception was that I had come out to the world, but part of me had not integrated it on an emotional level (this is what he saw energetically).
And damn if he wasn’t right. Looking back, I realized that my decision to come out in the 1970s had been a political one (deliberately choosing equal relationships without male/female roles). I chose with my head, and only partially my heart. In the course of the hour, I moved through memories of coming out (the disapproval and hatred as well as the acceptance and love) and also came face to face with my own judgments about bisexuality and heterosexuality (betrayal of your sisters), which I had formed at that time in my life. I thought I had moved to a more accepting, inclusive mindset, but surprisingly, I had old opinions stuck inside me. Through tears, laughter, and vibrational transformation (I was shaking all over), I released old judgments and separations and stepped into my own soul signature truth: “I am all of the labels, and I am none of the labels. I am a whole energy-being of light. I am divine consciousness expressing itself as a lesbian.” And Panache was right there, experiencing it with me (crying too). He was instigator and participant (getting in touch with his “inner lesbian”), as well as trusted friend. A completely integrated rainbow lesbian birth after all these years—who knew?!
The other part of the story is that I decided to share my breakthrough experience in the larger group of more than 60 people, and other individuals also spoke of separations/fears/judgments about sexual identity and roles that they carried within them. It became an ongoing part of our evolution during the week. On the last morning of the program, Panache had us all, as one soul family (himself included), repeat out loud together, over and over: “I am a lesbian. I am gay. I am bisexual. I am straight.” Very powerful and very healing. Our soul selves are indeed all of those labels and none of them—that’s oneness. Some of us have come into this life to stand in the truth of being lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender—identities that expand the wider experience of what it means to be human on Planet Earth. Sometimes that’s terribly challenging or frightening. Other times, as we all evolve into a greater love, it feels like the greatest blessing in the world.
“That which you’ve gone through in your life has served to bring you into the fullness of who you are here to be for yourself, for your friends, for your families, and for an entire planet.”—Panache Desai